The current life of teens and adolescents due to COVID-19 looks a lot different than anyone could have imagined. The ages of approximately 12 through 18 years old usually call to mind images of sporting events, dances, and crowded school hallways. But little if any of that is happening right now. The pre-teen and teen years are a critical time in adolescent development. Typically, adolescence involves learning to navigate complex social situations, managing increasing responsibilities, and making strides in identity development. As humans we are wired to grow and learn in social contexts, and each of these tasks of adolescence require interacting with others. So, what happens when the world outside the family is all but removed?
Why is my teen struggling to do schoolwork?
So many teens have lost their natural daily and weekly structure without in-person school. Just like adults, they also get burnt out working on a computer all day in a stagnant environment. Think about your own experiences as an adult – do you have times that you need to refresh and get out of the house in order to feel that you can return to a project? Consider that your kids probably feel similarly, but perhaps to an even greater intensity. Adolescent brains are still contending with learning to self-regulate. This means that teens are essentially hard wired to need more movement and excitement. It also means that they struggle to have patience, sit still, and control impulsive urges. Your teen may suddenly seem to daydream more, seem more distracted from their schoolwork, or become angry, frustrated, or upset. This is not because they suddenly don’t care; it’s because their brain needs more stimulation. No matter how engaging online education is, adolescents will still be missing out on critical experiences of social connection and exposure to new environments that foster growth, learning, and identity development.
Why does my teen suddenly seem to have developed anxiety or depression?
This could be for many reasons. Sometimes anxiety and depression can stem from boredom. Teen brains need a lot of stimulation, and when that doesn’t happen anxiety can occur out of an unfulfilled craving for more interaction and excitement. Similarly, feelings of depression can happen as a coping response that allows teens to feel that they don’t need as much stimulation. Many adolescents are also facing having lost significant social interactions. They may no longer have easy access to supportive friend groups. Their bond with their sports teammates may not translate to a text, phone, or social media relationship. They may have been in the process of joining or forming a new social group that was interrupted and lost in all of the changes. Perhaps they have begun to consider their own identities and were hoping to find supportive peers to connect with while they explore who they are and who they wish to be. Adolescents also thrive in structured environments. Without the natural structure of school, they may feel lost or overwhelmed. Through all of these changes, you as the parent may also feel that you adolescent child has begun directing some of their emotions toward you. Family tensions are common when any member of the family is struggling. Often, when we feel upset, hurt, scared, or stressed, we will take it out on those we are close to. If you are having to set firm boundaries and find yourself saying “no” a lot more to protect your child’s health and safety, this is bound to happen even more often. Often, the burden of providing structure and boundaries is shared with supportive adults outside the home, such as coaches and teachers. If it is suddenly all on you, it makes sense that your kids might also perceive that you are saying no more too.
Why doesn’t my teen want to get out more or see friends when they can?
This can feel complicated. Maybe your adolescent used to beg to see their friends and get out of the house, and now that you are finally feeling able to loosen some of the restrictions they don’t seem interested anymore. How could that happen? Should you be worried about them? There may be many reasons for this. It is possible that they don’t feel as connected to their friends anymore and are worried about how to navigate reconnecting. Perhaps they have begun to adapt to having less social connection in their life as a means of self-protection. Maybe they have still have fear about their health and safety that they haven’t yet expressed. Regardless of the reason, it can be important to consider a slow reintroduction of social activities to allow hesitant teens time to warm up and feel comfortable.
Remember, even though physical school is not happening, kids are still going through the same developmental, neurocognitive, and physical changes of adolescence. It is a time in which most kids naturally struggle with their self-esteem, self-image, and overall confidence. Going through these stages during the chaos of COVID-19 is unprecedented, and in many ways online school can make it feel harder for self-conscious kids to avoid feeling put under a magnifying glass. You may even feel the same way in meetings that you have online. You both deserve a great deal of compassion!
How could therapy help my adolescent right now?
Therapy can be a useful tool no matter what your kids are struggling with. We can work with teens who seem unmotivated to remind them of their goals and help create structure that will allow them to make progress forward. We can also work on supplementing their current reduction in external motivators by figuring out what sources of internal motivation and resources they can tap into. We can also be a place for teens to process their experiences. Sometimes teens just need their own space to share their emotions and thoughts. Teens may struggle to share things with their parents, and even their friends, because they are worried how their struggles will affect others they care about, or how they might be viewed by others. Feeling like they have a therapist in their corner for when they need more support can be a vital step toward them feeling more in control and settled. Therapy is also the perfect place to help you and your kids to feel more connected. When huge changes and stressors enter our lives, communication skills often get lost in the shuffle. By providing a calm space for your family to rediscover how to share and find joy with each other, you can reopen lines of communication and feel more connected.
Often parents reach out to therapists because they just aren’t sure what is going on with their adolescent kids. They may seem different, like they suddenly changed and just don’t act like the happy kid they once were. You might feel confused, hurt, and at a loss of how to get through to your adolescent. Parents often feel like once their kids reach adolescence a wall goes up and they aren’t as close as they used to be. As painful as this can be, it is not out of the ordinary. Therapy can be a great place to gain peace of mind and to get resources for you and your family. Call today to find out exactly how we can help you and your teenage or adolescent child cope with the stress and changes caused by COVID-19.